What lies underneath the surface
by PuraStones
Summary: Our favorite commanding crew and admiral Pike has to read a book about their captain. "I've been building walls, shields, barriers, obstacles ever since I have full knowledge of my identity and family background." It's high time someone climbed through that security system and discovered who James fucking Tiberius Kirk is. Hurt/comfort/Friendship. Mild swearing and violence.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: It's been months since I last wrote a story. I think I'm going crazy and my writing skill is completely lost. Maybe this one can help me get back on my track. I've just watched the new Star Trek movie in the cinema and guess what, everyone in the room with me wept like babies while there was a big lump in my throat prevented me from shedding my tears! It was epic! This story happens after Star Trek 2009.**

Well, this story of mine is of the time when our favorite crew got to see who Jim Kirk really was, by reading a book about him! Hell, I have no idea how I come up with something like that, I wonder if there was a story like this one out there in this category, but I'm seriously going to try. It's summer and I have time.

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing, NOTHING!

**Chapter 1**

_Starfleet Academy, 2258_

After destruction of Narada, everything passed in a blur. The landing of the USS Enterprise, the mission debriefing, the promotion… Everyone was exhausted and drained, but genuinely relieved and happy to be back. In a blink, it was almost time to go back into space and Jim was apparently excited and nervous. He was going to be the Captain of a starship, taking responsibilities for every single being of the USS Enterprise and unfortunately, _"fuck up" _seems to be his middle name. But he always managed to beat the odds in every hopeless situation so he dared to hope for greatness.

"Hey kid, you okay?" – Bones was suddenly by his side (or was he just distracted?)

"Fine, Bones. You got any decent rest? I'm thinking about our old time in the bars, maybe tonight's a good time." – Jim put on his arrogant smirk again, looking at his best friend.

"Alcohol's not going to help after what happen, idiot. I don't have the strength for that." – Bones grumbled, scowling grumpily at his idiotic young friend. He didn't know how he was put up with the kid, but Bones wouldn't leave Jim anytime soon, not in this life anyway. – "Pike's gathering us in his office."

"Is something wrong? Can't the heroes get some air?" – Jim was immediately worried, but shielded the emotion with a grin. – "I guess Pike misses my irresistible charm. Let's go, can't let the old man wait can we?"

"In your dreams, Jim." – Bones rolled his eyes, but there was clear fondness on his face. He was fond of the kid, damn, he didn't know if he could graduate without the insane genius, but Jim attracted too many troubles for their own good.

The commanding crew of the Enterprise and Scotty were sitting tensely in Pike's office when Bones and Jim arrived. Jim kept the rebellious smirk on his face while everyone in the room was trying to be neutral though their brains were analyzing the reason behind the meeting. Being called to an Admiral's office wasn't a pleasant occasion. After Bones and Jim settled down, a man stepped inside and closed the door.

"So here are the heroes of the universe. It's a pleasure to be in the same room with all of you!" – The alien looked at them with amazement clear in his sparkling eyes. (This alien is a member of the Arcanian race, from _Men in Black 3_). He was wearing a woolen hat despite of the warm weather.

"This is a friend of Starfleet, he's under protection because he's one of the last left of his race. He possesses a very fascinating and useful ability that could help us in many occasions, but of course, everything has limits. We can't rely on it too much." – Pike explained, gesturing the alien towards his seat.

"Yes, I'm going to assist you so that your upcoming mission will be easier and more efficient."

Sulu and Chekov raised their eyebrows. The guy looked like a total nerd, and the way he communicated was giving them the urge to burst into a good laugh. Spock as usual was carefully analyzing the strange guest. Uhura, along with her boyfriend tried to detect any unusual parts of the alien's body to know his origin. Scotty didn't mind his manners, stared at the alien without blinking. Bones, on the other hand, didn't care who or where the guy came from, expressed his emotion with a frown.

"Sir, I don't understand how this guy could make our journey in that tin can any easier."

"Dr. McCoy, please be patient." – Pike replied calmly.

Jim was quite shock. According to Pike, this guy was the last individual of his race, but he recalled meeting a girl who seemed to be half human and half this species somewhere before, in his travel around the world. He stood up with a more polite grin on his face and offered the alien a handshake.

"Hi, I'm Jim. And if by any chance you're taking a look at my future, don't bother, all you get is black."

The alien's smile faltered a bit but quickly got back into its place. He shook Jim's hand and said:

"The girl you met died, which is a shame. She showed me how to get to Starfleet before she did and yes, she was a hybrid, a rare beautiful flower. She would have been a fine lady if she had a chance, a man killer, in every meaning that exists. She considered you as her friend and one of a few people who were stubborn enough to climb through her..."

"Thanks for the information, buddy, but I think we should get down to business." – Jim said flatly, still half smiled but the doctor somewhat recognized the struggling effort behind it.

Realizing the confusion of his friends, Jim grinned and explained:

"Our friend here is Arcanian. He has a unique ability to foresee the infinite potential outcomes that are dependent on the actions taken in any given scenario." – Looking at Bones' puzzled expression, Jim added. – "In short, he can predict the future, but the future is complicated and always changing, therefore, he can see various outcomes of different situations."

"Zat's so kool!" – Chekov chirped at Sulu's disbelieved face.

"That's more like a pain in the ass." – The alien and Jim said together, and then looked at each other with unreadable expression. The others raised their eyebrows at them. – "So who would you think will have the most problems during the mission?"

All eyes, including Pike's landed on Jim's face, who chuckled:

"Wow, I'm so good-looking that all of you can't get your eyes off me? Wow, I'm flattered."

Bones whacked Jim's head with his hand.

"Well, but it won't get us anywhere because Kirk… Captain Kirk just said all you get from his future is black." – Uhura tilted her head.

"Sometimes the future isn't the answer." – Spoke stated emotionlessly.

"So are we dismissed?" – Jim was uncomfortable. He knew that Arcanian had no troubles seeing the past, too and there was only one past to look.

The Arcanian put a black book on Pike's working desk and said:

"Don't judge the book by its cover. Good luck, crew of the USS Enterprise."

"Okay, that was weird." – Sulu slowly commented after the Arcanian left the room.

"Are we reading it or not?" – Uhura looked at the book curiously as Pike picked it up. The cover was blank leather black without any letters.

"I don't it's necessary. Seriously, a book?! Guys, I'd rather go to the bar, wanna join me? I mean it's nearly our last night on Earth before the epic journey and…"

"Jim, we have to read this book. It's your first time in command and I think a little help is extremely necessary. Besides, if we read this book together, your crew might work together better." – Pike spoke slowly and clearly, eyeing the young captain seriously but warmly, like a father looking at his son.

"Pike, I'm sure everyone in this room has already had enough history classes for their entire life. Don't kill us before we even step on board!" – Jim argued, glaring daggers at the book. His guts didn't like this one bit and there was some kind of dark aura coming from the book that made his spine chill.

"Captain, I believe that we have time for this and like Admiral Pike has just pointed out, this might lighten our path. It's not illogical to give it some time since the order of time will not be alternated by our interference. The future remains unknown so it's recommended that we should…"

"Okay okay, let's get started, we might have time for the damn book, but I don't have time to listen to your brain-damaging speeches, you pointed ear computer!" – Bones scowled, gesturing at the book impatiently.

"I'll go first. I love to read." – Uhura volunteered and Pike handed her the book.

**A/N: Like every author out there, I'm in love with reviews, even critical ones. The Arcanian was from Men in Black 3, but I don't want to mention his name because it can be anyone from that planet, don't have to be that specific guy. The content of the book that our favorite crew's going to read is my plot, not anyone's work. Hope you guys enjoy it. I see how far I'll go with this.**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: The next day after I posted the first chapter was like the most fantastic dream, thanks to all the readers who had spent time reading and reviewing. Thank you so much, from the bottom of my heart! It truly means a lot; it's been a long time since I last wrote something.**

Thank you **00MeLiSaA00, Life is like a potato **(interesting pen name)**, vnienhuis, starfire Wylde, ahuna67, camitake, HPNU92, kylai, ladopa, YozoraCole, Method in Madness, Princess101855, SaintFirestar666, Aladin03, suha94 **and **AlternativeSunxxx34 **for favoring and following my story! You guys rock!

**Method in Madness: **Thanks for your compliment.

**camitake: **Your excitement really pushes me! Your review means a lot!

**ahuna67: **I'll try my best not to disappoint you. Thanks for your review.

**starfire Wylde: **Good news: You don't have to wait for long.

**vnienhuis: **I've been looking for a plot like this for so long. When I couldn't find one, I decide to start one. Thanks for your time.

_I also appreciate everyone who read but didn't review._

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Star Trek (obviously!)

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**Chapter 2**

Uhura opened the book. Pike and Spock were paying full attention while the others were quite distracted. Jim looked like he was praying to god to have the book burst into flame. The idea of setting the book on fire himself did cross his mind, but he wasn't sure if it was what he predicted it was.

**Preface**

"**Are you afraid of death?" was my favorite question.**

"So…" – Sulu, Chekov, Bones and Scotty said together at the same time ended up with the staring contest.

"Quite an intro, isn't it?" – Bones frowned.

"Our line of work never promises a safe return you know." – Sulu stated, trying to sound brave.

Jim buried his fingernails deep into the cushion on his lap. He didn't like where it was going. If necessary, he would execute his scheme.

"There must be death for life to begin, it's only logical."

"**No" is a hideous lie if that's what comes out of your lips.**

"Who's the writer of this book? I feel criticized." – Sulu chuckled nervously.

"Whoever he or she is, that person must be obsessed with death." – Uhura said thoughtfully.

"Or just someone who faces death too many times." – Jim mumbled quietly to himself.

Spock's sharp hearing caught the statement and he narrowed his eyes.

**Well, I was lucky because I didn't even have a chance to answer that question.**

"Huh?"

**I'd never existed to begin with, so no death for me. Yay!**

"Oookaaay, so who's this insane _I_ are we reading about?" – Scotty's eyes twitched, but he looked quite intrigued comparing to the first line of the book.

Jim's lips pressed into a thin line. He knew for sure who I was in the book and he was sooo not looking forward to the next part.

**To the world, I was the killer of their hero. For me to live, he must die.**

Pike looked at Jim worriedly while the others slowly came to conclusion about the person they were reading about.

"So, cool, it's about me. Don't I get to say whether or not should you people get inside my mind?" – Jim smirked, but his uneasiness was visible for Bones to recognize.

"What, too many embarrassed memories?" – Uhura smirked but then shame caught up with her when the last line she'd just read came into view again. _For me to live, he must die_.

"Are you referring to your daddy, Keptain?" – Chekov timidly asked. Jim gave him a short nod, scanning the room for anything that could help him get rid of the book.

**Committing a crime, right at the moment of birth. It was a shocking record for a minute old newborn.**

"Jim/Son, it's not your fault." – Bones and Pike cut Uhura off, looking at Jim who was staring at the space in front of him, pretending that he wasn't listening.

"Can I leave the room now? Or at least dispose of that cursed… thing" – Jim stood up, tried to yank the book out of Uhura's hand. Spock looked like he wanted to interfere, but he trusted his girlfriend's ability to look after herself.

"Jim, you can trust…"

"Trust is priceless." – Jim hissed through his teeth, the tension in the room rose in five seconds.

"If you don't deal with this now you might not fit for duty."

"I made peace with it, long ago, and now you're starting war. _That _is not my fault." – Jim growled.

"Maybe you should read, skip the parts that you don't want us to know." – Uhura offered guiltily, her eyes were filled with sympathy. Jim snatched the book from Uhura but Bones saw the chance that the kid would tear the book right there so the doctor jabbed Jim with a hypospray.

"He would be most upset with you when he woke up." – Spock said, catching Jim and placing him on the sofa.

"I'll take my chances. I've been his friend for years now and never had I received some proper answers about his childhood that leads to some of his suicidal habits."

"Great, so we are partners-in-crime, yes?" – Sulu cheered. Chekov was terrified at the knocking-Kirk-out incident.

"We'll settle down so I continue, yes?" – Uhura shot a glance at Jim again, feeling sorry for the guy but her curiosity got the better of her.

"I was lucky to succeed in persuading Jim to join Starfleet. There's hope I can convince him to feel okay about this, or at least accept it. The book's supposed to create a bond, not breaking you apart." – Pike reassured the group, but it sounded like he was talking to himself.

**You will have more chances to know more about my impressive crime-records later and trust me on this one, you won't be disappointed.**

Bones ruffled Jim's hair warily. Pike refused to express any emotions but his index finger was unconsciously tabbing nervous on the wooden desk.

**But whatever happens on the pages of this book happened and had come to an end. If you're already bored, I'll tell you three things you only and ever need to know about me.**

"Okay, here we go." – Bones straightened his back.

**First, I was a ghost of dead man.**

Bones took in a deep breath to stop himself from thinking about the people who had put that thought into Jim's head but his hand, the one that wasn't stroking his best friend hair, was shaking. He knew who and those happened to be Jim's only family left out there. It was decided that things wouldn't turn out pretty if Bones crossed path with those people someday.

Pike looked like he was a decade older at the first thing that Jim thought himself to be. He didn't know it was _this _bad.

"Why am I feeling angrier at myself after each line?" – Uhura asked out loud, a frown formed on her elegant face.

"No-one knows; he hides it well." – Bones muttered.

"It is illogical that the captain's behaviors and manners don't match with his inner thoughts. I am deeply confused at the conflicts between his mind and his actions." – Spock said with his usual monotone voice.

**Second, no matter how much you hated me, you could never hate me more than I hated myself.**

Uhura quickly read before anyone interrupted her.

**And third, I didn't believe in no-win scenarios.**

"I like ze tird one bet." – Chekov whispered, glancing at Jim, various emotions in his innocent blue eyes.

"Well, it sounds like the Kirk we know." – Uhura agreed with the wunderkind while working on digesting the lines.

"Damn it Jim! Am I your best friend or what?" – Bones was certainly not pleased; an ugly frown swallowed his face, making him look just as old as Pike.

"Um, he can't answer that you know." – Sulu pointed out awkwardly, avoided to look at Kirk and received the "glare of death" – as Jim always called it – from Dr. McCoy.

"We'll fix this." – Pike said with his eyes close.

"Can we?" – Scotty wondered. He already saw Kirk's negative emotions on Delta Vega. Despite Spock Prime's reassurance, Jim was impatient, royally pissed off at reality and absolutely desperate.

"By making illogical decisions, James Kirk had done the impossible and accomplished his duty as Acting Captain admirably. I believe that despite the fact that our young Captain has made it clear that we shouldn't _get inside his mind_, we need to finish this book in order to have a good knowledge of our leader." – Spock and his speech again.

"You pointed ear hobgoblin, why do you care? …" – If glares could kill, everyone in the room would have been dead by now since Bones was going on a "glaring-spree". Pike cut him off, cooling the tension down helplessly.

"Dr. McCoy, I understand that you don't want Jim to suffer any more pain than he's already had, which is exactly why we have to try to use what we have."

"Come on Leonard, don't you want to know why Jim loves bar fights so badly? Because I'm asking myself why on Earth Jim Kirk act like a jerk all the time, which we come to realize after this short preface that it seems not true at all." – Uhura added convincingly, reading the preface again and again.

"Okay, fine! You win, I admit that I need some help in looking after this idiotic friend of mine!" – Bones surrendered. – "I'm next by the way. Anyone against that?"

Uhura handed Dr. McCoy the book, giving him an encouraging nod. Though the doctor wanted to know what was awaiting them, he was scared of what they were about to find out. Jim's 3 years at the Academy weren't easy, at all; every trouble within the radius of 5 miles always somehow managed to bump into the reckless kid.

Taking a deep breath, the doctor turned to the next page.

**Year 2237, age 4: I have the first and most important lesson of my life**

Bones paused, swallowed some air into his throat to push down the lump that was formed in there.

"What's the matter, Dr. McCoy?" – Sulu raised his eyebrow.

**I have the first and most important of my life: Never rely on anyone.**

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**A/N: Okay, I hope it was worth your expectations. I have an important test tomorrow (I dare to say it's as important as Jimmy's first lesson). As always and like every writer out there, I love reviews. If anyone has any ideas, feel free to PM me. Once again, thank you for your time!**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: I think I'm in Candy Land right now. You guys made my day with all those lovely reviews, alerts and favorites! I couldn't imagine I would receive **_**this **_**much positive support and comments from readers when I started this story. **

Very thank you **penguinlover250, Kylelara, XxTheMoonRiddlexX, Fiona12690, greekfreak101, .saxon, karebear1017, Ginallen, ahbut, dragon91260, Browniesarethebest, The YoungRebel, seacat03, Miahbug, Brenna13, Blackfairy101, Colonelengle, rayrae118, SkyeFurieX, Merhaba, asdf42, Mephistopheles' apprentice,** **DianaLynn0724, roseg7412, ShinobiTwin05, princessfrankie, shenmi meiren, DrAgOnLOvEr34 **and **Camo-girl-book-worm **for your LOVE (I mean favoring and following this piece of work)!

* * *

**vnienhuis: **I'll try to make chapters longer but of course, I can't guarantee anything. I'm not sure if I can even reach the end of this, hopefully with the readers' support, I will finish this one. I really appreciate your reviews.

**Princess101855: **I think it will go somewhere, hopefully nice! Thanks for your time.

**penguinlover250: **Well, here comes the next chapter! Thank you.

**em **(Guest): Thanks for reading and your blessing! My test went really well (I wonder if you're some kind of god!), better than I first expected it to be. I hope this chapter doesn't disappoint you.

**Method in Madness: **Thanks for pointing out my mistake, I'm very grateful! I was so sleepy when I typed down last chapter so I guess my fingers were running on their free will. Here's the next chapter and if you see anything wrong, I'll be happy to note down.

**camitake: **I think like that, too! It's kind of unfair when he suffered so much but no-one appreciated that. Thanks for reading.

**Guest **(whoever you are, I send my deepest thank)**: **Just like **Method in Madness **up there, I'm glad you told me. Your impatience might do you some harm (probably not, but usually it does) but it did a good job on pushing me. Thanks for your time.

**greekfreak101: **Thanks for your review.

**TheWordThief:** Thanks, I hope it'll go to where it's supposed to go – complete status.

**Browniesarethebest: **I agree with your pen name . Quite many people have asked for Tarsus IV and I'm happy to inform you that it will be written in this story. I'll try to make it as enjoyable as possible. Thanks for your time.

**babyblue3752: **Don't die yet! Here's the next chapter. Hopefully it's worth your expectation.

**seacat03: **I was hesitated to put the Arcanian there at first even he just appeared once. He's a funny guy. I wish there was a story like mine out there but since there wasn't, I'll write one myself. Thanks for reading.

**dragon91260: **My heart nearly dropped when your review hit my eyes. Very thank you for your precious time. Everything about Jim's childhood will be in here, don't worry. I just hope it's as intriguing as all of you have been expecting, since I'm the first one who started this type of story in this category. I love writing and reading hurt/comfort, it's very addictive. With all my effort, I hopefully will come to the end of this work, until then, I just have to try. Thanks for reading and your wonderful review.

**Miahbug: **You too, have my thanks for recognizing the mistake I made at the end of last chapter. I'm glad you're interested in my work. This is not a crossover, by the way. The Arcanian just appeared once and he won't turn up again. I appreciate your time and review.

**Brenna13: **If you have time, I'll be very happy to read your fantastic idea for my story. Thanks for reading and here's the next chapter.

**Life is like a potato: **Thanks for your PM, it must have taken you quite some time to send it. Your name's cool, don't change it if you don't have to. I'd love to know the story behind your pen name (if you're okay with that). About the type of storyline I'm working on here, I know there are plenty of stories like this in other categories, but not in this one. They seem to against the characters reading the books work when it comes to the books with actual authors so I decide to try this on the category where there's no actual book. Everything in the book that the characters are reading belongs to me and the help of Google. And also, there's no slash in my story, just friendship. The friendship between Bones and Jim really impresses me. It's just so… pure and beautiful. I enjoy the "Kirk's heroism" scene, too; it brought tears to my eyes. Sorry I don't have a Tumblr, just Facebook only. Again, I highly appreciate your support, love and time for my work!

**SkyeFurieX: **The Tarsus IV story will be here, too. Thanks for reading and reviewing.

**princessfrankie: **Thank you for reading my story! I appreciate your compliment, it's like gold to me! Hopefully you'll enjoy the next chapter.

_The readers who read but didn't review have my appreciation, too!_

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Star Trek, even in my wildest and most insane dream!

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**Chapter 3:**

"You're kidding right? Do you need glasses or something? Kirk's innocence was damaged at the age of 4?!" – Sulu angrily asked the doctor; his tone coated in disbelief.

"If you meet his so called family, you'll be surprised that Jim is still able to turn into the man he is today." – Bones growled bitterly under his breath, but everyone heard every grumpy word that came from his scolding lips.

"I couldn't believe in my own eyes when I saw Jim in that bar when you two were recruited. He was a changed kid in the body of a broken man." – Pike eyed Jim's face; awed at how young the kid looked when he was unconscious though the pain was still visible in his youthful features.

"Another reason ter read this book." – Scotty commented. – "Whatever happened to laddie in all those years must have been unspeakable."

"Which is why no-one should speak about it, let alone read about it." – Jim's hoarse voice stunned the room, trying to get up only to find out his head was resting on Bones' lap and being held firmly down by his best friend's arms. The fact that he had somehow broken away from the effect of the sedative was utterly surprising and impossible. But it was _Jim Kirk_, everything seemed irrelevant. – "Let go of me, Bones. And give me the damn book!"

"Only when you promise you wouldn't _eliminate _it whenever you see a chance!" – The doctor's voice rose, his Southern accent made his statement somewhat unclear, but Jim found it crystal clear.

"You have no right to…"

"Why don't you let us help you, son? You enjoy being punished by something that you have no control over? Or you just love the isolation because you get hurt every time someone gets close?" – Pike pushed, throwing attacks at the confused young captain with no hesitation. They were going to get to the bottom of it, _today_.

"It's none of you damn business, Pike! And I am not…" – Jim kicked the sofa back violently and desperately. – "your…" – Jim slapped the book away from his stomach making Bones reach out to catch it. He immediately took the chance and shot up, grasping for the cursed thing that was about to ruin everything he'd been building from the very beginning. – "SON!"

Everyone stood up; things were spinning around in a blink of eye. Chaos ended right when Pike somehow managed to pin Jim down onto the sofa and looked at him in the eye. It was obvious that Jim didn't intend to fight back due to Pike's health and age. His panting was ignored while the commanding crew, Bones and Scotty fixed themselves up

"Give us a chance. Give _yourself _a chance. Make a change."

"Things have changed enough! It's my head; I get to decide old man!" – Blind by his own fury, Jim shoved the Admiral away. His blue eyes were sparkling with lightning. He stood in the middle of the office, stamping his feet on the carpet like a child throwing a tantrum while sympathy was glued on everyone's face.

"Kid, deep breaths and look at me." – Bones suddenly stood in front of him, putting his hands on Jim's shoulders firmly. – "You chose me to be your CMO, correct? Have you changed your mind?"

"If not you, who else? But Bones, I don't like this. I have my reasons, why don't you respect that? Why can't you? It's not that hard to understand."

The old doctor rubbed his face in frustration and looked at his best friend.

"Jim, I've spent the past three years watching you silently suffer some… some invisible demons, some non-existed… skeletons in your closet."

"Then don't watch, walk away, close your eyes!" – Jim shook the other man, growling. This was exactly what he tried to prevent from happening from the very day he had a clear view of the Kelvin tragedy.

Bones' eyes right away darkened at the demand, the request that he could never grant after sharing a room with this kid-in-the-devil's-cover for 3 years.

"Let's make this simple. Imagine I'm you and you're me. How will you feel and what will you do?"

"You're absurd, Bones…"

"Says the one who's being unfair." – Dr. McCoy cut Jim off, not wanting to listen to whatever Jim said.

"Jim, why do you have to be so miserable?" – Uhura joined the party, her eyes analyzing the scene. Some kind of respect was formed after the preface of the book and she couldn't stand the fact she had missed something as big and serious as this. – "You expect us to leave this alone? You think you're able to run a ship with whatever it is you're hiding?"

"SHUT UP! I'VE ALWAYS BEEN and I have no problems with it AT ALL!" – Jim cracked, feeling trapped and cornered. – "I've succeeded in saving the fucking planet WITH PEOPLE'S INTENSE OBJECTIONS!"

"But you don't have to." – Pike said softly, tears threatened to fall.

"You're being illogical, Kir... Captain." – Spock jumped in, supporting Bones and Pike.

"Logic my ass. I don't give it a damn!" – Jim spat.

"Then WHAT AM I?" – Bones forced the younger man to meet his eyes.

"You're a FUCKING demon! I've been building walls, shields, barriers, obstacles every since I have full knowledge of my identity and my family background. DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG DOES IT FUCKING TAKE?"

Bones opened his mouth pathetically but no words escaped his throat. A giant lump formed in his throat and his eyes were salty with unshed tears. He couldn't believe that Jim saw him as a demon, but it surprisingly wasn't what Jim meant. Pike already had tears on his cheeks while Uhura curled herself into a ball in Spock's embrace. Chekov looked at Sulu, his face was torn by the attempt of preventing tears from shedding.

"IT TAKES TWO FUCKING DECADES! AND HOW LONG DID IT TAKE FOR YOU TO BREAK THEM DOWN?" – Jim roared like a caged animal, his face was red but there were no tears. He hadn't been able to cry since a very long time, since he experienced homicide, famine and tons of other crap.

Bones' eyes widened right after the question. _Breaking them down_. Had he stood a chance? Had he ever succeeded in climbing through what Jim had always locked himself in?

"Jim, if you expect me to be sorry for caring…"

"A FUCKING WEEK, you CRUEL MAN!"

Pike, Scotty, Sulu, Chekov and Bones' jaws dropped in pure shock. Then they realized, the day Leonard "Bones" McCoy decided to be the kid's _friend_ was the day he managed to break through the surface. The doctor was quite convinced when he saw the "jerk" side, but he didn't stop looking. He dug deeper, and he got a kid with unbreakable spirit, a golden heart and immortal obstinacy. The doctor wasn't going to stop anytime soon. After the outburst, Jim was shaking violently; he felt like his legs were made of jelly. But no tears were visible in the impossible blue orbs.

"I'll continue to do so. Like I said three years ago, you god damn moron, I'm not going to give up on you. Not back then. Not now. Not ever. So YOU listen to ME, James Tiberius Kirk, as your CMO, and your _**FRIEND**_**, **I'm not going to do what you **want **me to do, but what you _need_ me to do."

"Are you FUCKING DEAF? I. DON'T. FUCKING. NEED. YOU. IN. MY. HEAD!"

"Son, I'm not sure if you have ever known what you really need." – Pike let out the final blow.

Jim's mouth opened and then closed. He wanted to deny the statement, he wanted to say that he had always been damn sure he knew what he needed, but he. just. fucking. couldn't. Glaring at every single individual in the room, he whispered:

"Fine."

"Fine what?" – Bones was still pissed, but he sensed a defeat.

"We can read." – Jim spitted out the words like they were acid. Bones got back to the sofa and patted the seat next to him patiently and _sincerely_.

"But." – Everyone tilted their heads, except Spock, ready to listen to whatever conditions.

"What happens in this room…"

"Stays in this room, you have our words." – Pike finished, his voice was soft but strong.

"I'll continue." – Bones started, looking at Jim carefully. He received a curt nod from his friend along with a murderous glare to the leather black book.

**Year 2237, age 4: I have the first and most important lesson of my life. Never rely on anyone.**

"That will be damn sure changed." – Sulu stated firmly, looking at Kirk but the captain could detect the hint of fear behind the words. He just shrugged and threw Bones a look.

"I broke that rule three years ago."

"I'm glad you did. If there are more rules like this that you're still following, I can't wait to crush them." – Bones said with his monotone tone, but the friendly and _grumpy _worry was announced. – "I've been staying with this smart but rebellious kid who teaches me how to break rules."

Jim huffed, but his face relaxed. Uhura looked at the duo with a raised eyebrow. She wondered if there was any closer friendship than this one.

**My name was James Tiberius Kirk. Four years ago, in 2233, I killed my dad.**

"Son…"

"It's not my fault. I'm not deaf." – Jim said dryly.

"It is clear that you haven't understood and accepted that fact yet, captain. I strongly agree with Admiral Pike of his reassurance in order to remind you…"

"Can I/he continue?" – Bones and Jim cut Spock off with annoyance.

**If you don't believe me, read the history book, ask the internet, or just ask everyone on Earth. I guess you've already known otherwise it's neither you've been hiding under a rock or you're deaf, blind and paralyzed.**

" We're **not **deaf, blind nor paralyzed." – Sulu, Chekov, Uhura, Pike, Bones and Scotty said.

"With due respect captain, I must reassure you that I am completely healthy and…"

"You are all insane, because you're talking to a book."

**I lived in the town of Riverside, Iowa, United States. My brother, who was named after the victim of my first homicide…**

"How about we ignore this thought of mine every time it popped up? Because if we don't, it will take forever to finish this damn thing."

"We're not over it." – Bones said, but decided not to comment about this matter during the book.

"If I may, what did you mean when you said your _first _homicide, captain?" – Spoke questioned but everyone let it slide.

**George Samuel Kirk the Junior, who went by Sam; Winona Kirk, who I couldn't bring myself to address as my mom, or mommy, or even mother after a few attempts of trying and another person who I would spent a whole chapter to talk about later on; they played big parts of my childhood-but-not-so-very-childhood-like.**

The group couldn't decide to laugh or to be upset at this one. The description deserved a laugh but it was also another proof about Jim's disastrous childhood. But then, they were again stunned by a sound coming from Jim. A laugh. It wasn't really cheerful, but it sounded real. There was sadness in it.

"Oh… gosh… I actually want to read the chapter about that person."

"May we know who are you talking about?" – Uhura asked hesitantly, not feeling like receiving another outburst.

"You'll see, Lieutenant. You'll get to see how colorful my language could be when it comes to that particular character."

Spock was confused about Jim's words about his mother. His mother was very caring and loving towards him. He hated himself for not saving her in time and not having a proper chance to repay what she had done to him even he knew that he could never accomplish such deed.

**I was a **_**normal **_**kid at the time. I stopped when Winona made it clear that I was no-one's child. It was her birthday. Sam had spent whole week wrecking his brain out in order to find a perfect present. I tried to help but he got nervous every time I let out a suggestion.**

"**Jimmy, I think mom will be okay if you don't have a gift for her."**

**At that time, I was confused why Sam seemed anxious when I wanted to be close to my **_**mother**_**. Although it was stupid and futile, I didn't regret trying.**

"If I have a son like you, I'll value every second I get to spend with you." – Bones smiled gently at Jim, who avoided looking at anyone specifically. The kid replied by a snort, earning some raised eyebrows.

"After all those hours suffering me, you actually expect me to believe that?" – The newly captain closed his eyes, not daring to see the emotions in his friends and Pike's eyes.

"It's simply because you give us no other choice, Jim! You just give us the crap of _I'm fucking invincible so stay away from me_ every time someone tries to get close." – Dr. McCoy hissed impatiently, how thick that skull was!

"Then stop trying, it'll do both sides some good." – Jim smirked weakly, but the arrogance was nowhere to be seen.

"Dr. McCoy, if you please continue with the story. We are to finish this conversation after the chapter." – Spoke and his neutral voice ended the discussion, but everyone knew that it wasn't the last time the doctor would be interrupted during the chapter.

"**Sammy, I want mom happy! I wish her a happy birthday, she needs to know that!"**

Pike shook his head sadly while his lips formed a warm beam at the childish sweet intention.

**The answer I had always got and would always get was: "It's not a big deal, Jimmy." Soon, I found out that **_**I **_**wasn't a big deal either but unfortunately; I still didn't realize that soon **_**enough**_**.**

Bones opened his mouth to say something but decided against it. They needed to get the reading done; therefore, they could get down to the problem, as the hobgoblin had pointed out.

"**She will like a picture. I'll make her one!"**

"**Jimmy, it's **_**draw **_**a picture, not **_**make **_**a picture. But I don't think it's a good idea."**

Jim had an ugly smile on his face while his two front teeth bit his lips bitterly.

"Wat heppened?" – wondered Chekov out loud and the Russian wunderkind received a gesture towards the book from Jim.

**It was fun, drawing and coloring that little picture – I had to admit. In my little mind, I imagined Winona's face would fill with happiness and love when I showed her my piece of "art". But had fate been written from the very beginning, everything always went against what I'd wished for.**

**The moment I waited for arrived at a sudden. Sam was extremely focused on his task: caressing the flowers he had carefully picked for weeks that he didn't acknowledge the sounds of Winona's footsteps. Like a loyal little puppy, I bounced excitedly behind her to welcome her home. She just nodded, but didn't spare me a glance while walking straight into the kitchen to give herself a glass of water.**

"I find myself very confused of your mother's interactions towards you, Captain…" – Spock frowned a little and looked even more confused when Uhura shook her head.

"First Mr. Spock, it's Jim or Kirk. Second, all of your questions will be answered."

"**Mom, this is for you!" – Sam said loudly but affectionately, handing the bunch of flowers to Winona with both hands.**

"**Oh George, that's very considerate of you! Why don't you put them all in a vase and I'll put it on the table in my room?" – Winona replied, some amount of gratitude was detected in her empty words.**

**Before Winona made her way back to her personal cage, I blocked her way and waved the picture in front of her face and chirped:**

"**Mommy, I have something for you, too!"**

**She eyed the picture and froze like I just stunned her with a phraser. At that time, I thought she just simply disliked my drawings after her reaction. My smile slowly slipped away as she bit her lips in disgust and tore the paper into pieces like it had insulted her greatly.**

The room was consumed by haunting silence.

"What kind of wee mother is that?" – Scotty finally broke the tension with wide eyes and a disapproving scowl.

"I can see why you stopped addressing her as mother." – Uhura said sympathetically and sourly. – "She had literally disowned you."

"**Mom?" – I whispered confusedly at the torn picture.**

"**Go to your room."**

"**Come on, Jimmy, I'll play with you." – Sam was suddenly behind me and guiding me to my room awkwardly.**

**The question "why" was like firework blooming inside my brain. Part of me somewhat was terrified of the answers I would get but being the **_**stubborn little shit**_** that people called me…**

Bones grinned apologetically at the line. It was one of many names the doctor had called Jim but surprisingly, Jim grinned, too. Indeed it was, Jim Kirk was full of surprises.

"It's the truth. I'm proud of being a _stubborn little shit_ to be honest." – Pike chuckled lightly at the confession and the others were visible relaxed. Jim really knew how to lighten the mood if he _wanted _to.

…**I refused to back down. Winona didn't just tear my picture, she tore apart of me, too. It **_**hurt**_**, terribly and deeply.**

"Chekov, if this sounds terrible to you, I'm afraid that the next parts are going to be much much more horrible, especially my teenage. Don't hesitate to stop if you feel like it, even just a little bit okay? You're going to have nightmares, for sure. The same warning applies to the rest of you." – Jim didn't need to be observant to recognize that Chekov was shaking at the incident happened in the book.

"I em zust angree keptain." – Chekov blushed a little at Jim's concern.

**But I must thank the things and people that had unintentionally and intentionally alike caused me pain, agony, despair, stuff like that because it had helped build my remarkable pain tolerance, which became extremely handy in the future.**

Pike knew exactly what Jim was referring to and he rubbed his face in depression.

**Back to me being a stubborn little shit.**

This time everyone chuckled.

**It leaded me to my epic hacking career.**

Jim grinned at the mention of one of his many talents. Pike and Bones smiled in amuse while Spock found the fact fascinating and disturbing at the same time. At the age of 4, Jim had already learned to break rules. No wonder he didn't have any troubles doing reprogramming the Kobayashi Maru.

"You know how to hack when you were 4?" – Sulu was completely awe, grinning at Jim.

"What can I say, I'm a genius." – Once again, Jim successfully put on his famous arrogant smirk, but this time no-one was fooled by it.

**And of course, it came with a price but luckily affordable.**

Bones wasn't so pleased at the sound of it. _It came with a price._

**The story of it was disturbing to the others, but quite an experience for me. It went like this.**

Suddenly, they were interrupted by the knocking sound from the door. Pike politely said:

"Please come in."

The door opened, revealed the older version of Spock.

"Oh, I'm truly sorry if I had come to interrupt…"

"No, you're actually not. Guys, excuse me, I forgot that I have a meeting with Mr. Spock over there." – Jim's face lit up like a birthday child, a _normal _one. – "Why don't all of you take a rest, sort things out and I'll be right back?"

No-one protested because they really needed time to digest the information they just took in. Jesus knew what else was going to hit them.

**A/N: I'm absolutely, completely, totally, utterly… worn out! I hope it somewhat fits your expectations. As usual, reviews will earn you better chapters, so please spend a little time after reading! THANK YOU VERY MUCH! Half of next chapter will be the conversation between Jim and Spock Prime. If you want someone to eavesdrop the conversation, let me know!**


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